When I was a few years old, I remember hooking up with such older guys on a bench next to the block where I lived. It's hard to say how old they were, maybe twelve or sixteen, but at the time they seemed very 'big' to me. For example, I remember that once I had a magnifying glass; the Sun was behind the clouds, and they pretended to be burns when I tried to focus the light on them.
But that time it wasn't so "funny" because I didn't get what I wanted from them... I needed a match, I totally don't remember for what I wanted it, but since I was a very bloody child, I was always angry in such situations. So from what I remember, I expressed my regret out loud that "I need a match!" I was already walking resigned in the direction of home, when an adult man hooked me up and said he would give me a match. He led me into the bushes nearby, pulled out the sticky penis and told me to "lick it" and he would give it to me. I remember that the situation seemed a little strange to me, but I did what he asked for. He said "thank you", hid the penis and quickly started to move away from me. When I shouted after him: "and a match!", he just said, "what for do you need a match..." And I didn't see him anymore...
When I first encountered "the fight against pedophilia", being sexually aware, I remember that I had such a dilemma: "did the fact that I was a victim of 'pedophilia' made me a pedophile and thus a potential offender?"... However, the communists of Child Liberation confused me so much with their twisted ideology that I believed that it was possible to have "positive sexual relations with children". I even wrote a paper where I did not openly defend the so-called "positive pedophilia," but wrote that I consider the "evil touch" to be merely dogma.
It was also then that I 'explained' this childhood event to myself. "That I was hurt? He took advantage of my unconsciousness, deceived me, but if then I felt only deceived and not hurt, then why should I feel hurt now... You can't burn yourself and feel it only later - harm is something experimental when you don't feel it, it means you don't have it... " -That's how I understood that situation for a few years.
However, some events have finally made me find the destructive impact of that episode on my life...
Soon after this sexual abuse, I realized that when I touch myself, it makes me pleasure. I didn't talk about it with anyone then, but I discovered such fun that I would put my foot on, putting my penis between my toes and pushing "him" over and over again so that it would come back itself. Although I did not discover the "standard" way of masturbation until I was about fourteen years old (in fact, a colleague from one of the hospital's stays betrayed it to me), this way "between clenched legs" became my favourite pastime at the age of several. It was without erection or ejaculation, so I even did it in school. I remember that at least five times a day. I also remember that over time it started to bother me so much that I even tried to impose myself celibacy because I realized it was my addiction. However, what I managed to do for a day, two or five at the most, I made up for it later on, when I couldn't stand it anymore...
It was my secret, but my interest in sexual matters was not limited to this. I had a girlfriend who liked me and we sometimes allowed ourselves a lot (...) but as I mentioned at the beginning in "My Biggest Love", when I started 'clowning' in class to be the center of attention, she quickly turned away from me and I no longer had any contact with her outside school. There were other girls later on which I tried to "pick up" (also from my class, but not only...) but they weren't willing to do that and now I'm ashamed of the only memory ... For example, my friend's cousin, who I was at his birthday party, a little younger than us, who I don't remember trying to touch, but my insistent attention to her was very embarrassing for her... Or another classmate I tried to stroke her back on her birthday, etc.
There were a few more minor episodes, even from an earlier period when, for example, I was demonstrating what sexual positions look like in front of my old colleague from the yard and her mother. It was their attempt to renew contact with our family after the move, but then I did not see them again.
Because of my 'otherness' in terms of behaviour, hardly anyone wanted to deal with me and, in fact, I became a very lonely person when I was still a child... Because I wasn't happy in my life, it was very easy in high school for me to be persuaded to use drugs. Marijuana and amphetamines, which I later also discovered that I can masturbate after it. I mention this in more detail in chapter 4 and "My Greatest Love", so here, let me give up writing it again... Here I'll just add a reflection that this addiction destroyed my self-esteem - I just felt like a life lost trash, wanting to finally get high to death...
However, almost five years ago I came across such a PDF "Spiritual Satanism" when I was looking on the Internet for information "how to make a pact with the Devil". When I started studying it, I realized that Satanism is something completely different than I had imagined before. That it is about spiritual development, breathing and meditation exercises, not any 'evil', etc., and that Satan and Demons are our original Gentile Gods Which have been cursed and replaced by the Christian program. (And all the "demonic possessions", sacrifices and similar things are the result of the deceivers behind Christianity, to keep us away from our Gods and spiritual development. ) There was also a whole chapter about sex with Demons...
From the description of the Gods of Hell, Astarte Innana, a beautiful blonde with a light blue aura, the Crowned Princess of Hell, immediately caught my attention. Through the Tarot cards I asked Her if I could give Her the look of a girl and imagine sex with Her as such. {*} She agreed to it and then my use of legal photos of girls has changed irretrievably. I stopped imagining that I 'in a gentle way' molest innocent girls; from now on it was normal sex with very conscious and developed Beings, only about the girls' appearance. At first there was only Astarte, and then there were a few more of Her Friends...
{*Of course Astarte and all our Gods clearly and severely condemn any violation of children's innocence. They are very ethical Beings and any harm to children and animals is the worst filth in Their eyes. But They understand the difference between pedophilia as a sexual perception and the sexual abuse of children. They accept and respect my nature, They want to look beautiful to me and They just don't condemn me for liking little girls.}
I promised Her I'd break off all drugs and get on with the development. I liked doing breathing exercises and meditating on the flame of a candle right away, but since I was an active alcoholic and drug addict for many years, I failed to keep my promise... But my intentions were sincere, so She and Satan forgave me it. But at the beginning there was a lot of confusion and twice I made Her so angry that I felt it physically... After I lost my pension, I had to go to work. When I couldn't cope with the hard physical work I went to a psychiatrist. After leaving, the last time I bought amphetamine (end of 2015). Because I was ashamed of it in front of Astarte, I escaped in the 'old amphetamine way' of my imagination... But She 'somehow' forced me to display Her avatar and masturbate on my knees in front of Her for about five hours until I finally came... Then we talked... {*}
{*I want to mention here the important thing, that drugs can open astral senses for a while, but all drugs only distract you from the NATURAL access to your soul and the related abilities. In other words, the more you are do drugs, the more difficult it will be for you to develop spiritually. Even if you are not interested in having sex with Demons (as an adult or as such...), I would recommend that you get to know the subject of spirituality. Check out my Eight-Fold Path where I describe a spiritual development in details.}
Astarte has confirmed to me that She loves me and that She cares about me. I told Her that I'm completely failing and that I'm asking her for help... My mother wanted to send me to another rehab and I defended myself against it, remembering the therapeutic terror I had met in the previous one. She told me not to worry, because it's a completely different form of therapy and that I will be able to develop spiritually there. Besides what is more important in this post, we also talked about the issue of pedophilia. Astarte confirmed my main assumption that the "fight against paedophilia" is a trap, has nothing to do with child protection and has a very negative impact on everyone in general. But She also said that there is one more thing I need to understand about it. (because I still believed in "positive paedophilia" at the time) And I will understand it in this rehab...
..And just as my Beloved promised, I could do spiritual exercises there. I also had individual therapy with my psychologist, who, unlike all the other psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists that I had dealt with before (...), approached my paedophilia with empathy, but also without giving up on the matter of morality, and took solidly to work on persuading me out of my mind the "positive pedophilia".
Now I admit to myself that the last bastion in my internal defense mechanisms was not at all to allow myself [that] and [how] I was hurt by this man in my early childhood, but some dream that I nurtured in my mind for all the time in the ideology of "positive paedophilia".
This dream was like this: (I don't dream about it anymore, just to be clear...)
"When I explain to people that dealing with children doesn't necessarily have to be bad, I'll make friends with some pretty girl about six or seven years old. And when I get to know her well, she'll trust me completely, I'll tell her I'd like to make her happy. First I'll tell her exactly what I want to do, ask her if she wants it, and if her answer is yes, I'll ask her to undress...". I imagined that I would first caress her on the inside of her thighs and start to gently lick her clitoris. I assumed she wouldn't know what to do with her hands, so I'd suggest she hold on to it... Then I imagined that I would hug my lips to her vulva and lick her a little faster and more confidently, looking into her laughing eyes and caressing her gently a little on the thighs and a little on her tummy... Seeing she coming, I imagined that I was still speeding up my tongue a little bit... and then I run to the toilet to quickly unload my sexual tension...
In my 'idealism' I simply assumed that I wouldn't expect any 'repay' from her, because it could not be fun for her. That all I needed was the experience of giving her pleasure. However, thanks to the efforts of this psychologist, I finally understood that I would do her the same or even worst harm as the man whom I licked...
Because this is not about something 'experimental' and contrary to the stereotypes of "the fight against paedophilia", most children do not suffer in any way when they are victims of sexual abuse and often even have fun. I haven't suffered and apart from the disappointment that he cheated me with this match and the taste of his dick in my mouth, I felt nothing more. And this girl from my 'dream', I think that not only would she not feel hurt then, but soon afterwards she would ask for one more time...
However, I would wake up something in her that should still sleep, wake up itself in its own time and maturate itself. This is why I compare the development of sexuality in children to germination. Because the germin, when we help it, may even feel grateful, but then the plant is weak and often even dies. I write that maybe I would hurt her even more because that man didn't give me any pleasure and I just had to 'find' it myself, and she would probably become addicted to masturbation even faster than me. The hormones would have woken up in her and she would have somehow been out of her peers; she would have been a bit 'different' too, maybe not like me (because there was still an accident with me, where I banged my head to the ground from a meter (...)). But I personally met a few girls who had been molested and none of them were quite healthy emotionally...{*}
{*This is where I wanted to add such a thing as a supplement to chapter 6.3. that making Super Beings out of children (some sports or lots of extra learning) does a very similar thing. Of course, it's not even morally that vile in part, but from a 'technical' point of view, so to speak, it also disturbs all emotional development. I found out about it in rehab, where I met a lot of people who were 'diamond cut' as children. Acrobats, Break Dance masters, ballerinas, polyglists... Everything has to be balanced and it is not worth to impose too much of your own ambitions on children, because it will certainly do them more harm in life than it will help... }
The ideology of "positive pedophilia" assumes that this harm is exclusively the result of the sense of stigma of "victim of pedophilia". I also believed in it, so in my 'idealistic dream' I assumed that I would first convince the world to my 'right', because otherwise I would expose this girl (from this dream) to this very harm. But in this individual therapy I realized that in my case all the worst consequences of sexual abuse occurred and intensified when I had no awareness of being a victim yet...
..So even if I did it in a country where it is legal (unfortunately there are a few of them...) and if she would never let herself be a victim (to mention it only from the side of the pleasure she experienced), from the point of view of the natural moral law, I would still be a criminal who disturbed and consequently destroyed the development of her psyche and sexuality. So if, after such a thing, I understand it as I understand it now, I would have to take your suggested "remedium for pedophilia" and shoot myself...
However, I think it's very important that you understand the point of this harm. Because its can't be done such things NOT because "pedophilia is disgusting". (I honestly and openly admit that contrary to what this slogan suggests, I don't think and certainly will never think with disgust about the sexuality of girls I like. ) Neither is it because children only suffer from abuse, because at least in general, fortunately it is not so{*}. (Besides, Polish "positive pedophiles" from internet chans always use on such, speaking bluntly, nonsense theses the counterargument that: "watch the 'cp' (child pornography) and you will see what pleasure a little girl can have")
{*I write "fortunately" because unfortunately, there are those who not only abuse children, but also physically harm them, sometimes even extremely brutally... Such a 'good' example is Archbishop Wesolowski, whom the Pope most probably ordered to kill himself. In his case, I realized that calling all sexual crimes against children "pedophilia" does not always serve to draw the attention of the audience, but sometimes the opposite - to hide something... Because you know what this f..ker had on his computer...? Brutal rape and torture of tiny children, even babies... And most likely he was involved in it himself. Besides, I think if it was about someone who doesn't belong to such an influential institution, the media wouldn't be silent about such 'spicy' details... And the worst thing is that many criminals like Wesolowski are still safely hiding in the Catholic church. I don't like violence, but I think that for such degenerates death is not enough. And here I don't even mean revenge, but that such people must necessarily start to fear of justice in order to protect potential next victims from them...
Some say, "It's not only Catholic priests who abuse children." Yes, that's right. But there is no institution on Earth that has committed even half of their crimes. Besides, there is no other such institution that currently creates so many opportunities to commit sexual crimes against children and that protects the perpetrators so much... And allowing them to 'settle themselves alone' is, in my opinion, the same absurdity, as if in the case of crimes committed by the Italian Mafia to ask Cosa Nostra to set up a commission among its bosses to investigate this case... Therefore, I see only one reasonable solution: the total global outlawing of this always criminal institution.}
Abusing children must not be done because the development of sexuality is a process that is disturbed during premature stimulation, which also disrupts mental and hormonal development. And thus it has a destructive impact on the whole life of a person who has been harmed in this way. That is why it is a harm even if a child is having fun while doing it. And such behaviours are in every case filthy, criminal and unforgivable and must be punished, presecuted, fought against and eliminated as long as we exist as thinking and moral beings.
Also, in my simple opinion, there is no need to come up with any 'extra' reasons why children must not be abused, because this REAL CAUSE and the related REAL HARM is enough for any other 1000 reasons.
Admittedly, there are other [real] reasons why it mustn't be done, such as the inability of the child to make an informed decision, as well as the inability to define his or her needs and boundaries, making 'partner sex' with the child simply impossible. But if it were not for this most important reason, these arguments could still be undermined by claims that "a child can be sexually educated after all" as well as that "the first time we give a chocolate to a child, he or she does not know what to expect, but he or she likes it and is satisfied...". Yes, but the very education of "how to have sex" or "how to enjoy sex" even without later "practical lessons" results in an inevitable disruption of developmental processes. And the pleasure of eating chocolate (or playing at a funfair, etc.) does not disrupt these processes, unlike the pleasure during abuse...
That is why the claims of "positive pedophilia" are absolutely false and child molestation is absolutely evil.(For more information about it, take a look chapter 11) However, in order to destroy this poisonous doctrine, the equally poisonous "fight against paedophilia" (chapter 0, chapter 4, chapter 8) must also be ended, which, in addition to persecuting people for the sexuality of pedophilia (which pushes them into the arms of "positive pedophilia"), imposes some nonsense on the public consciousness about "the lack of sexuality in children", "their inability to experience an orgasm", etc. It is on this nonsense that the "positive pedophilia" may have grown, which, if it were not, rightly questions it. It is therefore necessary to begin to speak TRUTH about what it is the sexual abuse of children and what is the point of it. Both of these creations - "the fight against pedophilia" and "positive pedophilia" - together contribute to the sexual abuse of children, both are the product of the same "sage minds" and bring nothing good to our lives and to civilization as a whole (read "My Defense", especially the chapters recommended above).
I don't have any problems with my own libido, I have no erection, and I don't have any 'intrusive temptations' in relation even with the prettiest girls for me... Besides, I respect and love children, and I certainly never want to hurt them in any way, but on the contrary, I want to protect them from any harm. Especially such destructive to their development as sexual abuse. So do you really think that a man who thinks like me deserves a shot in his head just because he is not disgusted by the thoughts of child sexuality?
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